hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
