i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
