he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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