i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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