I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
