I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
