So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
