I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
