I accidentally had phone sex last night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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