I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
