There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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