if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
