maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
