I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
