Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
