i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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