I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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