hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
