So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
