Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
