What a fucking waste of an outfit
I faked an abortion last night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
