Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
