Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dignity is for republicans.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
