Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
