If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
