birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I want a musical about memes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
