seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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