Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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