we have pet lesbian snakes
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
