I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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