Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
