Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
