90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
