He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
