Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
