The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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