Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
