Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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