Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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