I bet he comes in French.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
