Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
