I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you will always have a special place in my vag
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
