my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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