I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
