he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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