imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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