i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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