Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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