If i come over, it means nothing
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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