I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
