Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
